Your inner critic and public speaking: what actually helps…
Many people come to my public speaking courses and talk about the power of their inner critic. The harsh voice inside their heads. Lots of people think its a fundamental fixed part of themselves. The inner voice that says "I'm crap, but everyone else is ok".
Tara Brach, the Buddhist teacher calls this lack of self-esteem "the trance of unworthiness". Many of us are in this trance - we carry a belief that there is something deeply flawed in us. That there is a part of us that should not be seen.
I'm not _______ enough
(in that space put thin, tall, rich, fluent, clever, good, perfect etc.). The inner critic seems to rule with ease. If we are not careful it seems that we have a basic sense of badness. We are ashamed of who we are. And we are incredibly harsh on ourselves.
Estimates vary a lot, but somewhere around 70% of people feel like an impostor at some point. In my courses it's near enough everyone. Which tells you it isn't a flaw in you. It's what having a mind is like. It’s normal. I think it helps us to keep us safe by keeping social small, when there is social risk around.
So that voice creates really tough thoughts, I'm not sure who said this but I know the following to be true "If we treated our friends like we treat ourselves we would have no friends"
One of the biggest gifts we can do for ourselves is to end this war with ourselves and start having compassion for who we are. That takes a practice of noticing the inner critic and radically changing our relationship to it. Saying thanks but no thanks to that thought. We can learn ways of sitting back and noticing that thought. It’s called unhooking and I teach it on the course in about 20 minutes . Saying to ourselves “I’m noticing I’m having a thought” helps us start to observe our thoughts rather than be controlled by them.
I used to talk about an inner ally (a voice of a really good friend/ your best teacher at school) and perhaps an inner expedition leader (the wisest, most loving part of ourselves and the one that sees the bigger picture for our own good). These voices would be encouraging and supportive rather than always spouting poison. You can still aim to do well but by support rather than criticism.
But I think I’ve found a better way of accessing this, and its worked on over 150 people on many courses over the last three years. I simply say “how old are you?” They say their age and I add ten years on it and then I say – “I have your 40 year old self – your ten year older self, on a magic phone, what might she say to you today? How would she encourage you?”
Try it now, ask yourself the same question.
Does a wiser, gentler, more encouraging voice emerge? It often does on the course, sometimes we even get tears or a big breakthrough. And very simply it’s asking you to stand in a different place and see a different perspective.
And it doesn’t have to be done in big chunks. Another question could be “if you were 5% kinder to yourself what would next week be like?” I had a remarkable answer to that question in August 26, the participant who is a perfectionist CEO said “I would be 40% more productive”
We need to get a bigger sense of our being and we need to be kinder to ourselves more. Can we, perhaps, get close to liking ourselves sometime before we die? Be at peace with who we really are.
The work of Tara Brach and Brené Brown are worth looking for if you want to follow this up. And Acceptance and Commitment Therapy learnings is now what I use on the course and that’s especially helpful with unhooking and helped me develop the 10 year older self question.
First published in 2012, updated in 2026
